When Is Love Not Enough?


I read one tweet on Thursday and my heart broke for this woman i do not even know. I am compelled to share the story on this blog mainly because 1. I don’t know who to blame and 2. There are lessons to be learnt from it. Here goes….as narrated by my source Nwadioku, who happens to also be a marriage counselor.
In the early hours of Thursday, we heard our security man arguing heatedly with someone and then, we heard a loud bang on our door. My first instinct was to gather the kids and lock them in my room but then, the person called out my name. I recognized her voice…it was my friend Pearl. She kept screaming that I should come and help her, that she was dying. On hearing her wails, my thoughts went haywire: Was her hubby shot by armed robbers? Has her kids been kidnapped? Or are some people using her as bait to rub us? I thought all these and more but I still came downstairs and opened the door for her all the same. She collapsed in my arms and for the next 30 minutes, she cried and cried and cried and just cried. I just held her until she was done. Then she said, “Bobby has killed me oooo!” and started with the cries again. It took another 30 minutes before she could narrate what happened.
Apparently, early that morning around 3.00am she had woken up to ease herself and noticed Bobby wasn’t in bed. She didn’t think much of it…he was prolly in his study as usual. But she wanted to get a drink of water so she went downstairs to get it. That was when she noticed some unfamiliar, yet familiar, sounds coming from her househelp’s bedroom. She decided to investigate. She wished she didn’t….because what she saw is forever imprinted in her memory. Yes, she saw her husband going at the househelp…doggy style, in her home…while she was in the house!
~Such Disrespect!
According to Pearl, she closed the door and walked out of her house…by that time of the night…to mine! And our houses are a good distance apart.
~Where there any signs either on her husband’s side or the help’s part that could’ve at least given her an inkling of what might have been happening in her house?
Pearl said that the help was just perfect. She attends to the kids like they were hers and keeps the house so clean you could eat off the floor. She was courteous, humble, very domesticated and totally grateful for every good thing Pearl had ever done for her. Pearl said she felt God rewarded her with this help for all the years of crappy househelps she had endured. However, towards the end of last year, the girl had said she wanted to leave and had been rather insistent about it but Pearl begged and begged her not to. Bobby suggested that her salary be increased so she’ll be enticed into staying.
~How did Bobby relate with the househelp prior to this incident?
She said that Bobby hardly ever talked to the help and neither does the girl except unless absolutely necessary!
~Did they have a healthy sex life?
Pearl said since the birth of her twins almost a year ago, their sex life has been really really skeletal. Maybe once a month and at most, twice. She felt with the issues she had giving birth to the twins [they have four kids. The twins are the last] that her husband will understand. And he said he did. And now this….   mitigate
~ Who would you blame in this matter and why? Bobby, who’s been sleeping with the househelp for God knows how long right and right under his wife’s nose, even if he was being “starved”? Pearl, who failed to satisfy her husband’s needs, even if she felt he understood the reasons behind that? Or the househelp, who might or might not have been forced to step into the wife’s shoes and service the man?
Nwadioku says: Nature abhors vacuum. Any vacuum you do not fill in your marriages, someone or something else will fill it for you. Worry when your husband suddenly stops asking for sex. SEX is the number one emotional need of most men and it is your duty as a wife to meet that need! Also, you cannot underestimate the power of prayers and the need to have a close relationship with God, as a wife...as a mother. Be observant and sensitive to the Spirit to know when things have changed. Last but not the least, be financially empowered, regardless of how rich your husband is!
~In her shoes, what would you do?
Nwadioku says: Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13
My only input to this whole debacle is this: I hope he sha used protection.
Pearl has since gone home to her husband. Where they go from this incident is entirely up to them. I just pray God guide them aright. In her shoes, ladies, please what would you do?

32 comments:

Chioma E. said...

OMG!!!!! This is heart breaking! its only God who will give me the grace to forgive him......

As my pastor will say, we have to keep praying for our husbands...we are helpers and they will always need our help with a lot of things.

HoneyDame said...

Oh lord! Oh Lord!!!.....Quite frankly, I don't know what I'ld have done....I really dont know.
Just like you, I hope he at least used protection.

Mrs Newlywed said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs Newlywed said...

I am not surprised as this is a very common thing in many homes in Nigeria. I am always baffled when I walk into a home and I see a young looking female help. Before marriage, I stretched to the hubby that when we do get help, it would be somebody older preferably his relative who has raised her children to adulthood. No, the children ( adult females) cannot be visiting/staying over often. Even till now, that is still my stance. It is not my husband I do not trust, It is person I am bringing into my home I am unsure of. Stories of house helps turning into madams isn't an avatar script. To a lot of men, It isn't always about the person, it is about the pussy. Lets take for instance in American History. White slave owners would rape, sleep with and father children with black slaves which at that time were considered the least of human beings by Whites. Of course we weren't the least of human beings or anything close to it but that was the brainwashed idea then yet it didn't stop them.
So yes, her husband might not care much for the maid, he might think of her as low and unworthy but once he gets the urge and that part of her satisfies his urge, he will simply go in for that. Explains why some men will sleep with anything that has a hole between its legs, can get moist, and warm.
I have so many female cousins who are married and the stories are endless. Helps out of the blue hinting about leaving, is a classic sign. Frowning a lot, get angry unnecessary, withdrawn....Yup! When she starts talking to you with a certain tone, yea you will know the tone...thats another sign.
Nobody is perfect in this life that is why the fear of God is needed to keep us in check. Somebody I know always jokes that if people took their vows in front of a babalawo, then they might take marriage seriously. you trip, you dip! hahahahaha!
1.
The fact that he was doing it doggie, I would be hopefully and say that he really was just satisfying an urge, a fantasy, a desire and he could careless about the maid. Explains why he was doing it from the back because her face might bring him back to reality. He was doing an intimate thing in a non intimate way, in my opinion.
2.
She was feeling very guilty and didn't know how to get out of the situation and still keep her job. This is why she continuously presented the issue of leaving. It also makes me believe it didn't start off consensual and probably still isn't but she has adapted to it.
That explains why he recommended she was given a raise because he enjoyed taking advantage of her (she is humble=not a whistle blower) and he liked the convenience of her in his home.

Blame wise?
The husband for not communicating with his wife if he felt he wasn't being satisfied and was contemplating straying.
The wife for not being sensitive enough to read between the lines
The maid for not packing her things and leaving. She became greedy and started enjoying the raise plus the extra gifts on the side from the oga.

From what I have read, I would think her husband is a man who isn't a big or mastered cheater. Based on this, I would say she shouldn't leave him but she should stretch the consequences of his actions as much as needed. Get a pastor involved and work on their marriage as there is a loophole somewhere that needs to be addressed.
The maid should be sent away.

@ilola said...

God help us! And God help me in this marital journey

@adebsrk said...

So he had sex with the maid, what's the big deal? She never mentioned anything about him not being a caring/loving husband. She didn't even suspect. It proves all he wants from the maid was sex. The wife berra get her groove back and spice the sex life before it turned to a serious relationship.

Che said...

I don't even know what to say to this. WOW!!!!! And frankly speaking, I don't know what i would do.

HoneyDame said...

@adebsrk, I don't even know if to laugh, cry or do both at your comment

Ofilispeaks.com said...

Marriage is a difficult thing. I just hope they are able to work through it.

Hazel said...

I agree have to keep praying for our husbands. But we also have to go beyond prayers n do our bit. Faith without works....

Hazel said...

It's a common occurrence, yes but this one was hellas disrespectful. He shoulda waited till she had at least left the house.

But ur comment reminds me of what a male friend once said: that once the need is upon them, nothing makes sense unless the need is gratified. He said neither cold nor hot shower works. So it's either they find a hole to poke or, in his case, wank himself to cum. I was shocked but it put things in perspective for me!

Hazel said...

So right but so matter-of-fact. It's a man's world really

Hazel said...

@HoneyDame You and me both. LOL

Hazel said...

Marriage is, esp with children thrown into the mix. God will see them through

Muhammed E. Ojeifo said...

Ok! This story really shouldn't come as a surprise to all of us. Its almost common place. I have always had my philosophy concerning things like this and I guess they still apply here.
- Couples must never feel ashamed to communicate/talk. Even if its their wildest and most obscene sexual fantasies. This will go a long way in meeting their needs.
- If another woman has the guts to get the attention of your man, so much so that it leads to a sexual realationship, shows that the wife might have allowed some slack. Men are driven mostly by their urges and the woman/wife should be READY TO MEET UP WITH THEM.
- Some men are greedy...agreed...sadly...I guess they just have to learn to be content with what they have and develop their women to the taste they desire.

Luvly write-up yet again Ogor. :)

Miss M said...

Of all the institutions in the world, Marriage is the scariest one. Not even the Chinese or Russian military can compare. Save us Master Jesus.
Wait but all I keep hearing is how the man's ways are the man's ways. What sacrifice is the man making ( and don't sell me that crap of being a provider, when they both work hard). All I'm asking is what's in it for the woman in all of this? Where does she begin to matters? Where do her feelings count? Or do they?

NJK said...

God shld make him suffer from ED for at least a year. the wife not being able to satisfy him is definately not an excuse after all he took the vow willingly "FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE". if he was not being sexually satisfied he should have said something thats why its called communication. do something romantic and tell her with love that he loves having sex everyday even if it means buying an adult film to set the mode. besides what makes him think he was satisfying the woman sef. infact am so angry with the two parties. the woman for assuming the man understands. get real gal he is a man and his libido is high. whether u like it or not its ur duty. men dont care if u just had an operation or an extremely hectic day at work he is horny and u need to satisfy him. i think we ladies need to understand that.

Myne Whitman said...

I find the man doing it with his help in their home esp while the wife was there extremely disrespectful. And the fact that the maid had been wanting to leave signals it was not consensual, still might not be.

Every marriage is obviously different, and playing blame games help no one. One thing is sure, they both need counselling and they need to apologize to the help and let her go.

ngozi said...

Ok! This is outright disrespectful! But let me just say that men can be very insensitive!!! Is he a dog for crying out loud! Women go through a lot and after a traumatizing child birth it's very normal for this tio happen. But a loving and patient man would always help his woman get her groove back, if not what happened to counselling and honest communication. This man has no excuse joor!! What a mess

Coy~Introvert said...

This is so so so so so disrespectful. The housemaid the woman employed herself, in their home. Why didn't he go somewhere else to satisfy himself, why did it have to be with the housemaid.

God help us. Because I don't even know what I'd do if I were in her shoes.

Labby said...

Though I agree with most of the comments,I honestly do not know what I would do in the situation.So as women,let's not take our marriage for granted,let's be more communicative with our husbands and not just assume that they understand and most of all, be very prayerful (especially together with our partners).God help us all.

Jemima said...

I will have to say, like others before..disrespectful man,very, there is no need to mince words, so his wife was not giving it up, did he ask her, did they talk about it, okay so he had to cheat,granted, did it have to be with the maid , under her roof, with her at home..come on ..there is no excuse, he should treat his wife better than that..i echo mrs newly wed's opinion..she should not leave him,the vows are for better /for worse but the consequences of his action should come to him fully, in every possible extent,they should involve people he respects and is accountable to, it must not be swept under the rug or it will happen again... i am so tired of people letting adultery go with a slap on the wrist,..i keep hearing he made a mistake..,what?.. i broke my hubby's favourite plate last week, that's a mistake, but i can't say i just found myself in another man's bed, that cannot be a mistake,that's right adultery is always a choice its premeditated, and it should not be termed 'mistake' i always say if you choose to get married , please by all means do all possible and choose to keep your vows...and i think the comment made by adebersk was not a sensitive one, would he have said that to Pearl if she was his junior sister?

Toinlicious said...

Oh good lord!

adedoeyhin said...

Pls so doing it outside the home with some other woman/lady/girl makes it better?

adedoeyhin said...

I agree with you that adultery shldn't be overlooked as a mistake and I also agree that Adebersk's comment was insensitive but I think he has a point.

Anonymous said...

First off looolz. I knw this might sound insensitive to some but that's wat I wud have done had it been my husband. As for disrespect, he does it in the house or outside, in her very before or behind wat does it really matter? Cheat is wat he did isn't it. Wat I don't understand is y most women think they have to turn into super ppl in marriage. U marry, keep a Career,run a home, procreate then jump, bark and roll over for the man wen ever he demands. He also took vows same as u. As long as he a caring and decent father and husband I wud say keep him. As for anything extra that wud b left to her to decide.

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~Sirius~ said...

Omg! The reality of this is just NASTY!
I feel so sorry for the lady it happened to.

I'm not quite sure what i would do if it happened to me. I won't cry for sure. I'll be too angry to cry.

I see a lot of people saying pray. In all honesty will your love still be unconditional enough for you to pray for the husband in question? Just asking.

cheap fragrances said...

This is the exact reason why i don't hire a house-helper despite the fact i am super occupied with house chores plus tending the kids.

Anonymous said...

OMG! May God deliver husbands from strange women

mstizzle said...

Wow... I probably would have done the same thing. leave the house or smash something. So sad. I hope she finds the strength and grace she needs to get that image out of her head.

Anonymous said...

SHIIIITTTTT!!!!!! I SWEAR I'D POUR HOT BOILING WATER ON THEM!!!!!!!!!!!