Not Simple, Yet It Is

The dissimilarity between a man and a woman is so much more than the “wo” in woman. I’ve always known this but on this day, with every tear shed in confusion by this friend, I’m reminded again! The difference dates back, as far as childhood.

You see, girls love to nurture. Boys, on the other hand, cannot be bothered. Where you see a little girl having a heart to heart with her doll, hosting a tea party or making eba and soup from sand and wild leaves, the boy is busy hunting down clueless, innocent lizards with his catapult. Lizards don’t need tête-à-têtes and really, what can compare to the thrill of hunting? Certainly not coo-ing to “stupid” dolls!

The difference persists into and probably through teen years. While the girl has her face buried in her Mills & Boon, trying and possibly succeeding to conjure and communicate with her future dream husband, the boy is busy fapping car keys from busy and unsuspecting parents, studying Nackson the Nacker and keeping scores of babes “nacked”, real or imagined! The thrill…
As young adults tho, the dissimilarity diminishes. With no lizards to hunt and no inclination to do so really (not unless he relishes being called a retard), the guy has got ample time to really think about wooing the opposite sex. By now, he has watched Titanic and Serendipity a few times and so he’s catching up, quite nicely, on how to be romantic. Also, he’s making money now with little or no responsibility other than spoiling you stinkers. So cozy dinners, nights out, flowers, gifts & presents, holidays are pretty much a norm. This is the type of love a woman loves. And this is where she begins to sing:

It shall be permanent… {2x}
What the Lord has done for me…
It shall be permanent.
And then it becomes permanent, the kind that says, “...until death do us part!”

“How do two people in love change so much when they get married? Almost hating each other?”
“How could he have become so different?”
“How can he treat me like his slave, make me feel less than a human so much?”
“How can he make himself my major antagonist instead of my biggest cheerleader?”
“Why is he taking out his anger and frustrations on me?”
“Why does he think its ok to bully me and make me feel really bad about myself?”
“Why does he say such hurtful words to me? Nothing pleases him; always complaining...”
"Why does he choose his mother over me?”
“Why have we forgotten what brought us together? The love, the friendship, the passion?”
“Why has it been replaced with quarrels, arguments, intolerance and lack of understanding?”
“What happened to his sense of humour, his romantic streak?”
Real questions, asked by real women!

Onome* cannot explain what happened to the romantic guy she married. Poof...gone with the wind! She cannot even remember the last time they hung out or had that cozy dinner, just the two of them. Even though she will not admit it, she’s starting feel a bit (ok, make that hugely...) resentful towards him. She has complained and acted out her resentment…all to naught. And its not just lack of romantic gestures. In her opinion, it seems like they’ve got some sort of cold war going on all the time. Dude just ignores her. Now, she doesn’t bother anymore…

I get her perspective. Sometimes, things hurt less when you the littlest of expectations. If it happens, then yay. If not, life goes on. But her situation reminded me of what a lady told Bena and I while we were interning. She said, “The man will woo you within an inch of your life...until you are married. But after marriage, it’s on the woman’s shoulder to woo her husband, especially during the first couple of years”.
It didn’t make sense then. It does now.

As much as ladies are wary of marriage because they don’t know what to expect, guys are doubly scared. The huge responsibility of catering to a wife and future kids and the fear of a loving wife morphing into a naggity nag when finances & situations don’t work out as planned is enough to cripple any man. Add that to the fact that they still do mourn the loss of their freedom as it were, you’ll begin to get a clearer picture.
So...

If he’s forgotten how good it feels to just hang out with you.... invite him out and remind him!

If he’s forgotten how hot sex used to be between y’all.... whet his “appetite” during that hangout, and then get the tab! You invited him out, remember? However, you are so getting laid that night! Nothing as sexy as a wife that pulls her weight in gold!
If he reminisces about the early days when you were just “too cute”, sexy and SLIM.... count your blessings and continue naming them one by one, at the GYM! Yep, i’ll take subtle messages to “nne, you are FAT!” anytime! Eat right, lose weight, pamper yourself... and his new fashion accessory is YOU. He just wants to show you off all the time! “Have you met my wife chic?” And who says you are losing weight for him... Do clothes not fit better now? Are you not feeling uber confident about yourself? Who’s gonna put you down when you feel this good about yourself?

If he hasn’t complimented you in ages... compliment him. Genuine complements on his looks and his strength, as a provider, as a problem solver, as a sex stud, as your knight in shining armour! Compliment him, not just with words but with your actions too. You’ll be surprised at the feedback you get! If he doesn’t get this appreciative vibes from you, he might likely get them from another quarter. On days when the hubby looks exceptionally hot, i ask him how many women toasted him. He actually blushes his pleasure! “Give...and it shall be given back to you...good measure shaken and pressed down...and kuku running over...shall this man give you!”
If he’s not providing enough.... thank you for the little he’s been able to provide and then pray. Always pray, where he can hear you. That God will continue to bless him so he can provide even more than he’s been able to provide. I don’t see how you don’t win in this situation!

If he’s not talking to you.... talk to him. For clarity, huge difference between talk and nag! Be wise.
If he’s not there for you.... be there for him.
If he has forgotten how to be romantic, BE ROMANTIC and remind him!
It’s not this simple, yet it is.
It takes two people, willing and committed, to make a successful partnership/marriage work. So before you give up on your marriage, and start telling the whole world and their grandchildren how much of a loser your husband is, ask yourself this question: “Have I really, really really, really done my part?”
Xoxo...

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you!thank you! Thank you!!! I needed that cause I have been .......well, let's just say u touched someone. Muaaahh dearie!!

Hazel said...

@Anon I'm glad. Thank you for reading and commenting.xxx

Anonymous said...

Nice one! Running off to the gym

Ema Leecious said...

Wow!
Wow!!
WOW!!!
This is an amazing post. Put so many things in perspective.
God bless you hazel!

Folkeezy said...

Even though I am not married, I've always said this but people around me go, "it's not your fault naaa, wait until u're married before you start giving advice" *sighs* I especially like where u went...

"It takes two people, willing and committed, to
make a successful partnership/marriage work. So
before you give up on your marriage, and start
telling the whole world and their grandchildren
how much of a loser your husband is, ask
yourself this question: “Have I really, really really,
really done my part?”"

This really should help married people who r willing to make their marriage work!

Olaedo said...

Really great post, dear.
Good question... “Have I really done my part?”
Then... "Am I still doing my part?"

Folkeezy said...

Even though I am not married, I've always said this but people around me go, "it's not your fault naaa, wait until u're married before you start giving advice" *sighs* I especially like where u went...

"It takes two people, willing and committed, to
make a successful partnership/marriage work. So
before you give up on your marriage, and start
telling the whole world and their grandchildren
how much of a loser your husband is, ask
yourself this question: “Have I really, really really,
really done my part?”"

This really should help married people who r willing to make their marriage work!

Demi Oyewo said...

Hhhhhm, my neighbour wetin I wan write wey we never talk in person. Like you said marriage takes work, afterall is there any good thing that comes without dedication and commitment. My homegal kip up the good work, off to send hubby some sweet nothings!!!

~Sirius~ said...

Long comment Alert!
Pls forgive any typos.

Hazel!!! The advice from the lady to you and Bena. So true!!!

The earlier a wife knows she just can't go with the flow and begins to woo her husband, she'll have that dream marriage she read about and watched in the movies.
Most times men just respond to what they see. If a wife has lost her sexiness and enthusiasm towards her husband, he begins to take interest in things that "have his time"
Most times women let it go: we believe our to-do-list is endless; work, kids, house, church etc. Forgetting ourselves and our husband. Big mistake.
Another thing is most women resent their husband's for something or the other, or they haven't forgiven them for a "past crime" Men always have those. There's no way things will be ok when deep down you haven't let some things go.
I learnt that all the work of a good marriage rests with the wife. Don't complain, instead work on yourself first, don't expect instant results: but you just might get it. Talk Talk Talk...communication is very important, and not about money for the house or money for school fees or what's wrong in the house and who is coming to fix it. There was a time those discussions never existed between you two.
It is hard. But when you are kind and gentle, not nagging but being appreciative and encouraging. Taking care of yourself and looking good. You Pray like never before in your quiet time and trusting God to answer. With time you won't believe the drastic change that would occur.

Demi Oyewo said...

Long but worth the reading

Anonymous said...

Very Nice

Luciano said...

wow.......
*taking notes

Chuwechuwe said...

I love this post. I took lots of mental notes and sent it to all my girlfriends. I am also not yet married but many of my friends are and I hear these questions too often. I have no illusions about happy ever after in the Cinderella sense but I refuse to believe the "marriage is not all its cut out to be" mantras I hear all the time. Marriage is a lot of work for both parties. Work you put in to making yourself happy. Work you put into making your significant other happy. Work you put in to staying true to what you believe and in staying true to you. Work you put into making it work. It always works best when both parties try. "It takes two people, willing and committed, to
make a successful partnership/marriage work." Even if the marriage fails, when you walk away, you must never for a second doubt that you were the best you could be.

Hazel said...

@EmaLeecious I know right? Writing to myself as well as to anyone that reads the post. Sometimes, most times, i lose sight of whats important.

@Folkeezy Different marriages, different handouts. Each relationship has its own peculiarities. However, whatever one's can pick up from the next person's marriage handout to help better one's own relationship goes a long way. I learnt to compliment my husband from a girlfriend. I never used to do that.

Okeoghene said...

Very interesting post with great tips with a very important question who should be asking ourselves at the end; "Am I really doing my part to make this marriage work?"

Hazel said...

@Olaedo "Am i still doing my part?" is a great question. I slack...a lot. And he voices his displeasure...a lot. And i wonder why he would not understand how busy and hectic my schedule is...a lot!

@Demi I've followed you to go whisper sweet nothings o. I cant shout!

Hazel said...

@~Sirius~ Babe, you hit the nail on the head. Your comment = story of my life. So hard. But these posts, they are my reminders.

@Luciano I love that you take notes. You never know when it'll be handy. LOL

@Chuwe Thank you so much, especially for reading, sharing and leaving me a comment. Bless..xx

Cynthia C. said...

This post is a great one! :* :* :* :**! God bless our effort.

Hazel said...

@Cynthia Amen. God continue to bless our efforts!

Che said...

Quickly scribbling down the key points which is everything you wrote. This would be very useful when i get married. Thanks for sharing.

ay said...

Really great tips you have shared. I would likely come back over and over again to read this post.
Would be helpful in the future...:)
Thanks for sharing.

Ng2kii said...

Awesome write up....Ur tips r so on point nne!

MissMay said...

Very insightful.
But what happens when, in some cases, the woman does all the work and the man never meets her halfway?

Yemstar said...

Hazel, this is a very insightful article but just like most I have read, it seems like when a marriage is failing it is always up to the woman salvage it. Subconsciously, we all just assume there is something she is doing wrong.


It is up to both partners to keep things hot and sexy .If the guy is not being satisfied sexually he should communicate and let his wife know. If she is getting fat, he should sign her up at a gym and encourage her by going with her. Likewise, if the wife thinks the husband is getting out of shape, she should encourage him to lose weight.

When a couple gets married they both lose their freedom, women even lose more freedom than men.Any man that is grumbling because of his lost freedom, is immature. Except he was forced at gun point to marry his wife, he should suck it up and man up.

And no I don’t agree with “ But after marriage, it’s on the woman’s shoulder to woo her husband”. If your husband loves you, he will continue to do the things that made you happy when you were dating. Off course he sometimes may get overwhelmed with his new role as husband but if he automatically stops treating you well, then you probably did not know who he really was. Your relationship will gradually lose it “organic-ness” and authenticity when you are constantly nursing his ego and wooing him .You want your husband to love you just because he does!

This article applies to both husband and wife, I definitely agree 100% with your statement “It takes two people, willing and committed, to make a successful partnership/marriage work”.Well said hun!

Ibifiri Kamson said...

nice one. it really does take two to make a marriage work. I like the fact about taking him out and getting laid later...lol...www.secretlilies.blogspot.com

anonymous said...

Where was I when this post happened. Hazel dear, you made a lot of valid points. May God help us all to do what we are supposed to do, be who we are supposed to be as wives and stop focusing on what the other party is not doing right. Appreciating anybody brings out the best in the person. Nagging does the opposite. As wives, we should ask God, who is our bedrock, to give us grace perform our own part and rather than nag our hubbies, talk to his maker, to minister to his heart. Don't underestimate the power of prayer, it sure works! God made marriage and he made it to be good. For the single ones, save yourself a lot of stress by choosing to marry a man after God's heart who understands why he should love his wife unconditionally, just like Christ loves the church