Lets Call A Spade....One!

Every once in a while, and especially after news of a demise or a near death experience, the subject of mortality occupies my mind...at least for a few days before the hustles of every day living numbs it!

On the day that The Hubby was snatched at gunpoint and eventually lost his barely-one-year-old tear-rubber car, two things flashed immediately through my mind: (1) How was I going to raise my kids all by myself? (2) How the heck will I afford my house rent? Hard work doesn’t scare me and I do have some savings but the thought of house rent, school fees, light and cable bills and generally being able to afford the lifestyle I was already used to, scared the bejesus out of me!! I felt so helpless….

After that experience, I became so obsessed with the subject of mortality. For every time he leaves the house, I always think, “Will he make it home tonight?” If he doesn’t, would I and the kids be okay? Have I put a plan in place for that contingency? Has he put a plan in place for that contingency? Last year, a group of male journalists were kidnapped and held captive for days. From what I read in the papers on their story, their major regret {while in captivity and with the threat of death looming above their heads} was not how they didn’t booze enough or hang out enough; it was not how they did not build enough mansions or drive the Beast. Their only regret was that they didn’t make enough arrangement, in case of an eventuality such as their demise, to give their wives a soft landing of some sort! One of them even said that his people would give his wife such a hard time if and after he was gone! Sad, init?

On Monday the 7th, a management staff of one of the branches of my office lost his life in an auto accident. My first question on hearing the news was, “Was he married?” If he was, with how many kids? And how old was the first child? As it turned out, he was married with 3 children, the first not even up to seven years of age. Ironically, he had taken a detour on his way to work that fateful morning, to go visit his child who was sick and on admission in the hospital. Life sucks sha!! Imagine the poor widow being informed of the death of her husband while still trying to nurse her child back to good health!

Now you ask: What’s the point to these ramblings of mine? I answer: What is wrong with a man declaring his assets and liabilities, both home and abroad, to his partner whom he has promised to love and protect??? Whats the point in struggling day, night and then some, to acquire riches and properties and have your wife and children reduced to begging on the streets for survival, after you are no more in the picture? Woman, why are you so content with just that one means of livelihood? In the case of an eventuality, would that be enough???? I’m guilty of this too!!!

I’m yet to meet that person that knows when death would come along….there’s a reason why insurance companies are still in business. From listening to The Hubby and a few of his friends talk, I’ve come to realize that truly, the pride of a man is in his offspring…his legacy. Wouldn’t he breathe easier knowing that after he’s gone, his family is well provided for? Isnt that what our rat races’ all about? Granted, bitter “third party” experiences might’ve informed some men’s decisions to keep certain monetary information from their partners but for how long will A’s story be used to judge and find B guilty? If you married a good woman, you’ll know! No need to punish her for the way Emeka’s friend’s brother’s wife cleaned the husband out!! A stitch in time….

At this point, i would really like to say that woment aint really the weaker sex, as cliche would have us believe. We are stronger than we look...we are no charity case! If push comes to shove {and there is no plan in place for that shove}, we rally! It might be difficult, painful, heartbreaking but we rally! We become determined, for the sakes of our children. No sane cum reasonable woman would fold her hands and watch her kids suffer. All i'm saying is, if she's to mourn, let her mourn in comfort! Let her mourn not because she's lost a breadwinner...let her mourn because she misses the heck outta the man that had been her companion, her friend, her lover, her backbone for the better part of her life! Is that too much to ask for?

Shout out to The Hubby, the love of my life, the father of my children…Thank you for taking such good of us. Love you....x

Oh my, but this was a morbid post!


Ugodre said...

This gave me a strong food for thought. Your spouse is supposed to be a close confidant. The days "not my wife business" stereotype should be over. I hope a lot of men realize this including women too. It's so strange that guys find it so hard to disclose even their salaries to their spouse. The price you pay for non disclosure firmly outweighs the benefits of machuvnistic beliefs

Ejike said...

Not making excuses for spouses doing what they are supposed to do, I believe the quest to give the best to the family has even made it impossible for couples to even have a decent discussion let alone discuss assets of plans made for the children. Most couples leave home at night and come back at night (5am – 11pm) and weekends they are running around trying to provide for the families.
I would not even take time to exonerate myself from this issue the most wonderful woman in my life is pointing out. We (men) need to take some time off the hustle and bustle to even review progress made so far with the family (wife in particular). At that point we might even discover we have been running around like headless chickens.
Babes, thanks for this wake up call. I’m really enjoying your blog
Like Ugodre pointed out, the demerits far outweighs the gains

Hazel said...

Hey, im glad u guys appreciate the points raised! But i wanna ask this one question? If the women-folk's attitude/slogan of "His money is ours; my money is mine" changes to "His money is ours; my money is ours", can it influence guys to being more open with matter of finances?

HoneyDame said...

Real controversial issue this is. The Nigerian culture in itself frowns on topics such as mortality almost as if in denial. Also, the culture sorts of advises the man on not declaring all his assets to his wife because "he is just supposed to provide/bring her water and she is not supposed to know ALL his wells". To me, there has to be midpoint between the culture and a solid plan for the future. Hence, that is why there is the concept of a will.
As for the last question you raised, it cracks me up a bit, cos I am guilty as hell!!! I am not sure if that will make guys totally open about their finances but maybe a tad more open sha.

Chuwechuwe said...

This is very deep. It's an uncomfortable conversation but one that must be had. A small part of what I do is estate planning and it is vital for married people especially those with children to draw up a will. At the very least, spouses must have life insurance policies with their significant other as the beneficiary. There is nothing like grief and poverty all wrapped up in one. I have a rather shocking story about one of my clients that may be too long to post here but i learnt one thing. Always be prepared! always. (I have no doubt i will be unable to resist returning to tell you about the client)