You Know You Are Ready When...

Apologies are in order because, mbanu, this has now gone beyond ridiculous! How is it that I published only two posts in the entire month of June? Two. Duo. Meji. Abua. Biu. Aluu. I sincerely apologise for my absence in Blogsville...{not like anybody missed me sef *tongue in cheek*} and i promise this will not repeat itself...well, in the foreseen future. It’s been a hectic few months and lately, this brain has little time to even assimilate recent events talk more of articulating and writing them down. I tried ooo.
The number of unfinished posts in Draftsville in my witness, true to God *touch floor, touch tongue, show God*. Somehow, the juices stop flowing half-way through a post. Too many distractions: the kids, work, hunger. Choose. But, if i’m honest to myself, the major culprit is Beddings ‘n’ Beyond! Kai, Andy akowataroru m ihe a ofuma. Mbaa. He did not explain things well to me. Building a business/brand is sooooooooooooooooo time-consuming and energy-sapping, it’s absolutely ridic. But it’s totally gratifying when it starts to pay off. And it has been. Thank goodness. Anyways, enough of the chitter-chatter; back to the business of the day... 
Flicky is a colleague and a very good friend of mine. She’s never been skinny even as a kid but after she had her baby last year, she went from an uber-trendy size 14 to a now-struggling-to-be-trendy-and-sometimes-succeeding size 16. Initially, she wasn’t bothered. I gotta give it to her: if there’s one person that knows how to work magic with the body she’s got, it’s Flicky. Some days, she packages herself so well i could bet one of my flatsheets that she’s a size 12. That’s how good she is with packaging.
Recently though, her weight has become a burden to her {pun intended}...for the first time in her existence. Apparently, skinny is firmly in...Even pregnancy and childbirth is no more an acceptable excuse. {All these mothers that bounce back to size 8s and 10s, y’all are to blame. Forever tormenting the likes of us!}. Anyways, now she’s bothered and who else to confide in except one who has worn same shoe and knows where it pinches, Me! Hazel a.k.a Fellow Fatso Size 14.

I was in her unit yesterday to sign off and make copies of some documents when we started on this fat-cum-diet-solutions discussion...again. That’s all we seem to talk about these days. At some point in the discussion, we started arguing about who is bigger between Flicky and I. I swear, my bum won’t just let me be great. The thing has folks believing i’m a size 18! What’s up with that? But back to that argument, i’m obviously a size lower than this chic so i didn’t get why we were arguing. I know that. She knows that. But i wanted re-affirmation so i decided to ask the guys in the unit...
Hazel: Flicky and I, who is fatter? {I dunno why I set myself up so!}
Guy One: Ahn ahn, you now! {Arrgh! Where’s my Walter PPK?}
Guy Two: I’m not around!
Guy Three: *Smiles*
By their answers, you shall know them; the ones that are ready, the ones that clearly have no clue and the ones that are married. I’ve never smelt even the slightest scent of a girlfriend on Guy One. Little wonder he committed that nearly unforgivable gaffe. Guy Two with the semi-smart answer {..cos the smart answer should’ve been “You are both beautiful the way y’all are!”} is getting married in November. Again, little wonder. But the smartest of them all is Guy Three, having being in the Institute of Marriage for the better part of two years. He’s been properly schooled. His is a case of “If you’ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing”.
There are certain things you DO NOT say to a girl, never mind that she asked for your honest-to-God opinion. WE ARE FICKLE...that’s how Jesus made us!
Scene 1
Girl: Honey, am I fat?
A.      Honey: Sexy lomo, how can you call yourself fat? You are just right. But nne ehn, if you lose like 5kg of this present sexy body, i won’t ever let you out of my sight before some other guys kidnap you. You’ll just be over-sexy....for me!
B.      Honey: What did you expect? When every night, it’s one chocolate-chip cookies or the other. Very soon, you won’t be able to pass the doors!
C.      Honey: Really? I thought I was the only one piling on the kilos. Get a load at my tummy...Maybe we should be skipping dinner entirely. And we could register together at that Gym that just opened in the next street. What do you think?
Amongst these three, who’s gonna be in the doghouse FOREVER?!
Scene 2
Girl: Baby, how was the porridge? *twist hands expecting to hear “Really Nice” when you know the food wanna salty die*
A.      Baby: Did Dangote supply us salt today?
B.      Baby: It was slightly salty dear, which i don’t really mind but the doctors have advised i result my salt intake {hmmmm}. In case of next time, inugo oh?
C.      Baby: *nods*
Even if you answer option A with a smile, you are still going down!
Gentlemen, nobody says you should lie just to keep the womenfolk happy. We just ask that you find a way to make your truths easily digestible. Diplomacy is key! Let it be on record that i delivered this lecture. Ok, i’m out.


Anonymous said...

Preach Zi

Olaedo said...

Nne, I laughed so hard at 'my bum won't just let me be great'.... One of the many joys of being pear-shaped... Na so dem call us, abi?

2cute4u said...

Ehennnn?! Keep reminding me of my dilemma o. Of when I have solutions but not disciplined enough to follow. But, I really did have fun here... Toatally love the way you write...

Anonymous said...

Hi ladies, our bodies react differently after pregnancy and childbirth. It is hard seeing your once perfect body blossoming into a different size and it can be really frustrating when you try to loose wt and nothing seems to work. If you have a sedentary job where you sit, rather than walk around, the fat piles up. It is difficult, but i read somewhere, one should make an attempt to walk more than sit. Weight loss should not be done in extremes, but in little bits over a very long period. Am not an expert at these things but i know it is quite a challenge. Please do not forget, the physical body is a vessel which the ALMIGHTY gives us to house our spirit. So, we have the responsibility to take care of it. So girls, dont pressure yourselves. One, step at a time, and discipline, your wt will steadily go on a decline. Cheers

Toinlicious said...

lmaooooo. I have missed you sha

Bukky Apampa said...

hehehehe, "did Dangote supply salt" funny post but so true, diplomacy is the key.

Anonymous said...

Babe i always look forward to reading ur writeup,thank God bedding n beyond has starteď paying off,thanks could,nt stop laughing

Daughter of Her King said...

Interesting posts. really funny.

Ooo I like your bedding and beyond..

I think its a fabulous business.

I suppose I can lend my marketing expertise... if u want.

Yep, building a brand is not an east task.

I think the business has potential be bigger with time and clear strategic marketing plan in place.
BEWARE once its takes off, competitors will come in for a slice of the cake.. An updated marketing strategy helps to deal with threats and stay as a leader.

I also think you should have the link posted on alot of blogs. xxx

dosh said...

Rotflmho! I bet that if guy 1 had said your friend was fatter you won't exactly be so mad at him. Lol, i kid :p

Seriously though, diplomacy really is key. Hope you've been good? Stay blessed

Luciano said...

lwkm. i've really missed you
and you are very beautiful just the way you are

Che said...

Nne, this lecture made sense jare. Tell them male folks. LOL @ the scenes and your male colleagues.

Dr fomsky said...

Just stumbled on your blog. Now following by email.
It's really funny: the guy never wins. If he says she's not fat, then she says he's lying. If he says she's fat, then she gets all upset. LOL.
I would pick guy A in the first scenario and guy C in the second scenario.